Letters From the Evolution Cast
by Artemis's Liege
Summary: The X-Men have something to say about these fanfiction stories . . .
1. Kurt

**Warning:** this story will contain mentions of drugs and sexuality; however, nothing will be explicit, or even detailed, really.

**Author's Note:** I have noticed that on this website, people have been expressed legitimately creative ideas in their stories. How silly. That's not allowed; originality and creativity have zero place in fanfiction. So, to show all of you how dumb your creative ideas truly are, I'm going to write a bunch of letters pretending to be the X-Men, addressing this ridiculous creativity all of you are so fond of, displaying no originality or creativity myself as I use first-person perspective of the fictional characters so they can be a voice box for my own opinions. Without further ado, I give you . . . Letters from the X-Men!

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Dear fanfiction writers everywhere,

Where do all of you get the idea that I'm a Catholic? Was I ever shown with Rosary beads? No. Was I ever depicted with a crucifix? No, I was not. Was I ever shown anywhere near a church? No, and that is because I am a legitimate demon, thus I would be unwelcome in a chruch; additionally, I am Satanist who also takes inspiration from the Buddhist faith.

I realize that this is a wide departure from the comics, where I am a regular Catholic mutant. But disregard the comics; I mean, just because they're the source material and the very basis for the show doesn't mean you should just assume things about certain characters. And I realize that this tidbit of information about my true faith was never stated in the show, but something doesn't have to be stated in the show to be canonical. Sometimes, you just have to assume things about the show, but not in relation to the comics the show is based on.

I'm glad we resolved that debacle; I was reading fanfiction about me being Catholic once, so I got confused and walked up to a Catholic church where a church service was taking place. They started screaming when they saw, began chasing me with pitchforks, and they would've burned for at the stake if it hadn't been for the benevolence of Namor, the ruler of Atlantis, who swooped down from the sky to rescue me. What I'm trying to say here is that these fics about me being Catholic could have serious real life consequences. Someone could get hurt through all of this "creativity".

Rogue is not my sister, no matter what anyone says. We share no blood between us; however, we do share a faith. Rogue is a Satanist, as am I. My reason for worshipping Satan as my god is fairly simple: I realized that my demonic features were proof of Satan's existence. Similarly, Rogue converted to Satanism after discovering Jean Grey's existence.

Furthermore, let me clear up the issue of my love life: Amanda Sefton's true name is Jimaine Szardos, and she is my adoptive sister, and she was raised as my adoptive sister. We're dating, and it technically doesn't count a incest because we're not blood siblings. Also, I'm not gay: that fling with Logan on my twenty-second birthday was just a one-time thing. Same thing with my one-night-stand with Bobby. And my one-night-stand with Jean-Paul. And that threesome with Pietro and Lance. I don't like guys, okay? Geez.

By the way, I don't have a roommate. I see all of these stories were I have a roommate, and I'm completely disgusted by it. I would never stoop so low to actually share my room. That's a sick, utterly degrading way to treat my character, and I am highly affronted that you twisted people think that I would deign to invite another into my living space. I feel unclean just from reading those dirty kinds of fics.

Lastly, why do all of you think that I'm best friends with Scott? I hate Scott: even though the X-Men are free to come and go as they please and disagree with him in public, Scott is actually an oppressive dictator who rules the team with an Iron Fist, and I would never befriend such a horrible person.

Sincerely,

Nightcrawler

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**A/N:** No flames, please. Seriously guys, if you don't like, then don't read. Simple as that.

**Credit:** Nightcrawler's outrage about having a roommate comes from a anonymous reviewer known only as "Random Troll". Thanks for the reminder about Nightcrawler true canon characterization, "Random Troll". I would've forgotten the most pertinent part of his character if it wasn't for you!


	2. Rahne

**A/N:** This story isn't my opinion; this is the legitimate characterization the X-Men that just happened to never be shown in any way on the show. But that doesn't mean its no canon. I mean, it could be canon. Hypothetically.

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Dear fanfiction writers everywhere,

I am Rahne Sinclair, one of the New Mutants. And I am the only to ever try to do anything useful with my life.

Let me describe a typical day in my life: I wake up, deal with my teammates inability to take a shower in anything less than twenty minutes, barely get a chance to eat breakfast, go to school, work really hard in honors classes, and stay after school for a club meeting. I'm in the book club, the prayer group, the history club, the healthy living club, and I play soccer and run cross country. After my meeting, I usually walk the three miles back to the Xavier Institute, where I find that my so-called friends have consumed the dinner I was not present to eat, forcing me to actually cook for myself.

What do my teammates do throughout their day? Basically, nothing. Amara and Jubilee sit around talking about fashion, with Jubilee usually wearing some eyesore and calling it "clothes". The boys sit around and waste their time playing video games, but I don't know why I would expect anything better from them, because, really, take look at our team leader. Dr. McCoy is totally lazy, encouraging their laziness by example. He's never done anything useful with his life; the only time he was ever effective was when he earned a reputation for himself as war criminal by committing mass genocide.

Twice.

Other than that, he pretty much just likes to read Shakespeare, and most of the time, he talks exclusively in sonnets. I'm not surprised that his next evolutionary state will be a slug, seeing as he barely moves.

Dr. McCoy has very odd taste in company as well: one time he introduced us to some hipster loser named Megan Gwynn who honestly believed she was a pixie, supposedly as a "learning experience" for us. Personally, I thought that Professor Xavier had told him to actually do his job, so Dr. McCoy picked the closest druggie off the street for us to meet so he could get back to ready British literature, under the guise of an "educational lesson".

And don't even get me started about Tabitha. Whenever I see that girl, she's always high as a kite. She sits on the couch all day, watching _Twilight_, _Valentine's Day_, and other boring, laughably bad romance movies, smoking a bowl, smoking another, and then going out to replenish her stash. See, before Tabitha came to the Xavier Institute, she looted her parents' house for drug money, then ran away. Her dad isn't a bad person, and he was only trying to make her steal stuff so he could get back all the money she stole from him.

My point is this: out of all of my teammates, I am the sole one who tries to improve herself as a person, increase my general knowledge, exercise moral judgement, or even exercise at all. So don't write these stories that feature them as selfless do-gooders. In reality, they're nothing but a bunch of self-absorbed, drug-abusing couch potatoes with bad hygiene.

Sincerely,

Rahne Sinclair

P.S. Please stop pairing me with Jamie. He's so much younger than me that it's creepy. I actually am pretty interested in the Maximoff twins, though.


	3. Jubilee

Dear fanfiction writers everywhere,

I'd like to start off by pointing out that the only reason I started off this letter by referring to any of you as "dear" is because that's what Rahne showed me to do. I'm too lazy to actually check on the internet to see if this is how you write a letter, so I'm just going to take her word for it. I've never written a letter before, just texts and e-mails, so sry if I spk in txt tlk smetmes. :) :) :)

First, I should clear up some confusion: I'm not dyslexic. In the comics, I have dyscalculia, which is like dyslexia but with numbers, and I would have had legitimate dyslexia if I had been included in the movies, but I only appeared in a few scenes, and I had, like, two lines, so that's out. Everyone here agrees that I can read words and numbers just fine, but I don't ever apply myself. And really, why should I bother? That junk is so boring.

Secondly, my birth parents are alive in this universe. Notice that they withdrew me from the Institute in the third season? I wasn't orphaned or adopted or anything like that in the show. Good thing, too, because I don't want to have to spend my energy showing grief. That's such a downer.

And in the show, I had straight, long, flat black hair. None of this "spiky" and "blue-black" weak stuff for me. And I'm not so much of a tomboy as much as I just enjoy time with the boys, if you know what I mean.

I still like makeup, hairstyling, and fashion here just as much as I did in the comics. Unfortunately for me, Jean takes it upon herself to go through my wardrobe and sort out the clothes that she claims are "provocative" and "too revealing". I usually tell her to go find a ponytail holder for her long red hair, which looks like it could be featured in a freakin' shampoo commercial. Seriously, it's not fair that someone as prudish as Jean has such awesome hair.

Sometimes I try out hairstyles on the boys, who don't really appreciate my efforts. The only people I don't experiment with are Jean-Paul, our resident psychopath; Jean, because she'd take the opportunity to just lecture me about "inappropriate" style choices; Kitty, since she's really tough and I don't like the smell of tobacco smoke; and Rogue, because I don't want to be killed in my sleep.

Ugh, these pairings with these New Mutant boys have to stop. I don't want to be dating people who wear the same clothes day after day while they play video games and drink liquor. It's disgusting! Besides, I think that Bobby has a thing for Jean-Paul. Or maybe it's Rogue. Maybe it's both, because whenever I see those three together, they always seem to be- oh, back to my point. I'm not a big fan of that one demonic Satanist or Our Benevolent leader, Comrade Scott Summers, either, to be honest. I'm fine with staying single for now, but that Julien Richter looks awfully pretty these days.

Anyway, I have to go because Jean has summoned an entire Gospel chorus to perform outside my window and tell to me to live a holy life and stuff and whatever. She's been doing stuff to try to convince us to give up our sins and all that. Oh, well. GTG, TTYL!

Sincerely,

Jubilation Lee

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A/N: Kudos for anyone who gets the reference of "Our Benevolent leader, Comrade Scott Summers". Hint: George Orwell coined the phrase.

I know that this letter wasn't that funny, but I'll try to do better next time.


	4. Pietro

**A/N:** Seriously, people, what's with all of this creativity I'm seeing lately? Why don't you just accept my opinion as the Gospel truth already?

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Dear fanfiction writers everywhere,

I am dismayed to see all of these stories that characterize me as an utter sociopath, complete monster, or unfaithful boyfriend. Where do any of you get the idea that I'm anything like that? Out of all of the Brotherhood of Mutants members, I was the only shown to have a conscience or even any sort of moral compass whatsoever.

Everyone else was pretty evil, true, but I was the token not-totally-evil player on that team. When that train was about to crash into the town and destroy everything and everyone there, I was the only one of the Brotherhood to so much as attempt to stop it, and I was the only one willing to work with the X-Men. I also consistently expressed amity toward the X-Men at every opportunity, so I'm at a loss to why so many of you writers portray me as hateful and deceptive.

Speaking of playing on teams, what's with all of these arguments about me being gay or straight? Can I just, you know, be both? I'd hate to limit someone as handsome as myself to only one gender. Seriously, everyone should get to enjoy a guy as good-looking as myself.

I'm not particularly interested in my sister, but that's only because no matter what anyone says, I am a moral pillar of society. So is my father, while we're on that topic. I read these fanfics where my father is depicted as a fearsome figure in regards to myself and Wanda, and I would like to express my outrage at such portrayals. My father is the kindest, gentlest, warmest, most loving and doting parent anyone could ever have. Of course Wanda and I don't hate him! How could we ever hate the father who has been such a good teacher and role model as well as parent to us? Anything he did to us during our childhood, he did for our own good, and that goes for imprisoning Wanda in the mental hospital as well.

And no, Wanda doesn't want revenge on him for that. Why should she? I mean, he only became tired of looking after a powerful mutant child and decided that he would be better off locking her away with a bunch of strangers who treated her as if she was a wild animal, and then never visited her or tried to explain his actions. Seriously, she's his own daughter, how could she hate him?

Also, I see that in some stories, my father is designated as homophobic, undoubtably for the sake of creating drama within an otherwise tedious story. Considering that my father has been shown to despise human discrimination towards mutants due to his imprisonment in the Nazi concentration camps, I can totally understand why he is depicted as encouraging human discrimination against certain other humans and mutants, especially if that particular group was also slaughtered during the Holocaust, but for their sexual preferences rather than their religion. The sheer amount of logic present within many of these stories is outright astounding.

Finally, I would like to address a reoccurring misconception within fanfic: I am truly am a caring brother and son. I always do my best to protect my sister and father. Notice how frequently I helped them during the show? That's because I genuinely love them. I'm just that nice of a guy.

Sincerely,

Pietro Maximoff

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**A/N:** Come on, people, Pietro really was a good guy within the show. Why can't you accept that?


	5. Jean

Dear fanfiction writers everywhere,

I am writing to inform all of you of my total disgust for your portrayal of me within your stories. Seriously, my character is barely recognizable.

First of all, I would like to establish that Scott Summers and I are definitely not a couple. I broke up with him months ago because I caught him cheating on me with a freaky clone of me named Madelyne Pryor, created by some atheist named Mr. Sinister. The clone thing is weird, but I'm still angry with Scott. True, I had cheated on him first, with that one-night-stand in the company of his younger brother Alex, but that doesn't count. I mean, I didn't care about Alex the way I cared about Scott back then.

Plus, I can't believe Scott was consorting with a clone; everyone knows that clones don't have souls. Oh, the depravity of such detached sexual contact! Anyway, I'm happy to inform you all that I am dating a wonderful man by the name of Grifter. Our love is so true!

And I never, ever wear shirts that would display my cleavage or my midriff, no matter how popular those pictures of me in the Mojoworld are. I wore nothing like that in the show. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar, plain and simple.

Also, I feel as if I should tell of you that I am not the Phoenix, and I do not possess the power of the Phoenix Force or anything silly like that. The show's writers said that if the Phoenix had appeared, it would have been within a young mutant named Santo Vaccarro, the future apprentice of Amahl Farouk, as confirmed by Boyd Kirkland, the show's producer.

Besides, I am a strict Christian, so I don't believe that women should have much power at all. Our society should always keep the men in power first and foremost, because that's what the Bible shows us, and of course we should follow every single word of a book written thousands of years ago.

We don't need to modernize the Bible at all, we should just follow every word as it is, including the "eye for an eye" rule involving obtaining revenge for transgressions committed against us and the passages that state we must sacrifice animals to God. And also, being a Christian totally gives me the right to openly despise anyone who does not subscribe to my exact beliefs about religion.

Furthermore, all of you writers seemed to be convinced that I'm a terrible person. I am definitely the most morally sound person at the Xavier Institute; as I've already told you, I'm a Christian, therefore my every action has been preapproved by God. Everything I do is in the name of Jesus.

That time I mind-controlled Warren Worthington III into worshipping me as a goddess? I did that because God wanted me to. And the day I forgot to study for an honors history class and used my telepathy to read my classmates' minds and get an "**A**"? I did that for God, too. He understands, he wanted me to get that "**A**". I cheated on the test because it was part of God's plan for me.

Finally, contrary to popular belief, the person I hate the most at the Institute is not Rogue, though I don't condone her worship of Satan. Rather, the worst person at the Xavier Institute, in my opinion, is Rahne Sinclair.

"But why?" You ask. "What could you possibly have against Rahne?"

You see, Rahne is a Christian, like me. However, Rahne loves and accepts all people regardless of their religion or sexual orientation. She genuinely befriends them even if they have different beliefs than her. She would be better off acting my kind of Christian: looking down upon others if they are not members of my specific church. That's what true religion is all about, after all: using your faith as an excuse to mindlessly hate other people without personally knowing any of them.

Sincerely,

Jean Grey

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**A/N:** I'm a bit disturbed by the reviews I'm receiving. It seems that some of you want to continue with the idea "creativity" within your stories and don't care for this story, which dictates about what you can and cannot write. Well, you know what? This website is for fanfiction. As in, fiction about the show written by fans. The purpose of fanfiction isn't to explore theories and ideas that weren't presented in the show; it's only to write about what's canon in the show and absolutely nothing else.

Therefore, all fan fiction **MUST** follow the show exactly, or else your work isn't valid. That's just the way it is. There is no point to creativity. I mean, it's not like when books are formatted into movies the directors change a whole bunch of the book to work differently in the film. That's why every _Harry Potter_ movie followed the book exactly. That's why when the Disney movies adapted all of those fairy tales, like _The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast,_ and _Pinocchio_, the films were exactly like the source material. They didn't add their own original twists or try to be "creative", they just followed the books and left the story untainted, which is the way it should be.


	6. Charles Xavier

Dear X-Men fanfiction writers,

I'm irritated that within this juvenile nonsense referred to as "fanfiction", I am presented as some benevolent, kind, paternal figure. Such a depiction bears no sort of resemblance to my actual self.

I believe, first and foremost, that peace between humankind and mutants can never be achieved. No matter what happens, humans will always hate us. There can be no sort of existence without hate; the world needs at least one subjugated group to despise without provocation. I don't believe that humans could live if they were not allowed to mindlessly hate other people for no true reason beyond fear of the unknown.

I have no doubt that America's so-called "superheroes" will soon rally against us and throw us into prison to be monitored by scientists. I can assure that when that day comes, my forces will fight against those fascists until every one of either them or us is dead.

But no matter.

Mutants are the next stage of evolution; we are living evidence that Darwin was correct in his theory of human advancement. We are the humans that are able to adapt and survive. Those pathetic humans, who are foolish enough to think that they can control us, force us to register with their government, will soon die off.

This is not only due to their overall inefficiency to acclimatize themselves to their environment, but also because their methods of overcoming their problems, such as physical weakness and vulnerability to disease, are abysmally simplistic. Guns can break and backfire, and vaccines are assurances, but not guarantees.

Besides, wouldn't it be much more compact to have a single girl with the unending firepower of a million guns and invulnerability to all harm, rather than a plethora of objects designed for safety that still are not absolute promises of protection?

My feelings toward my students are not parental or romantic in nature, and the notion that I do retain such emotions for them turns my stomach. They are my soldiers, nothing more, merely a means to achieve freedom for all mutants. They understand the sacrifice they must be ready to make each day as they fight for my cause of mutant supremacy; they know that they are tools, weapons within a war, that may be destroyed or cast aside if deemed too far damaged to function properly.

I must consider the future of mutantkind before I consider their individual needs. Rogue, for example, holds vast potential due to her mutation. I think that I'll arrange a setup for her to steal the life and abilities of one of the most staunch public figures for mutant registration: the arrogant, presumptuous creature known as Ms. Marvel. Certainly, it's unfortunate that the process of absorbing Ms. marvel's psyche may destroy Rogue's mind, but if that's the case, then at least I'll have an ultra-powerful automaton that's easily controlled.

And the problem of Scott's eyebeams could be rectified in an instant if I were to correct a few of his memories, but by keeping him in a perpetual state of uncertainty about his mutation, he remains under my manipulation, and I don't have to worry about him daring to go against me.

Sincerely,

Professor Charles Xavier

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**A/N:** This letter is for **lychee loving**, who requested Professor Xavier. I know that this more dark than funny, but I wasn't quite sure how to handle an adult parody of a character. Hope you liked it!


	7. Kate Pryde

Hey, all of you X-Men fanfiction writers,

Listen up if you know what's good for you. I've some of these supposed "stories", and you've got my character all wrong.

Yes, I wear pink. And I own boy bands CDs. But you know what? That's all a cover to hide my true self from the others. I know that if they realized what I'm really like, I would be totally alone; the team would turn against me if it was revealed that I'm not some ditz who likes _Twilight_. I pretend to be girly in order to fly under the radar. It's a survival technique, a disguise. You know what I mean?

So I wear this mask each day, every day, in order to achieve a place under the leadership of our Noble Leader, Comrade Scott Summers. But I think some of the New Mutants suspect my true motives after they saw me hijack that one Miata while smoking three Cuban cigars at once, especially Jubilee. Someone should remind her that curiosity killed the cat, or else I'll have to teach her the hard way.

So, let me tell you. I may pretend to be Jewish, but I don't actually believe in God, or anything that organized religion stands for. I'd rather have chaos and anarchy, if only to watch others flounder and drown, unable to deal with life in that sort of society.

I hate Taylor Swift music. She can't sing, she actually only speaks the lyrics to the melody. She's not even a particularly good songwriter: her music is always the same four chords, just rearranged for each song. Sometimes not even that. So please, stop writing me as some teenybopper who sings along to "T. Swizzie's" songs on the car radio. Truth be told, I like Black Sabbath, My Chemical Romance, and most of all, Insane Clown Posse.

What's more is that I hate being called, "Kitty". It's so juvenile. I prefer, "Kate". That's so much more adult than some silly nickname from my childhood that I didn't give up when I should have.

I also have a tobacco habit. Not the best thing for my lungs, but hey, I live and work within a communist black ops system created to rebel against the government and separate into our own mutant nation, in which I put my life on the line each day, so don't be so quick to judge me. Hey, it's better than being addicted to my mutant abilities to the point of schizophrenia, like Jean.

All of you authors seem to think differently, but I'm not particularly interested by either Kurt or Lance. It's fun to string them along and see what they'll do to keep me happy, but I'm out of there if one of them so much as tries to hold my hand. Gross, all of that mushy love stuff makes me nauseous. Besides Pyro is the only dude I could ever see myself getting serious with. He's just the right amount of psycho for me to handle.

Before I leave, I just want to remind you people that just because I'm petite and rather lacking in the "T and A department", as they call it, I'm still more than a little dangerous. Seriously, just the other day I teamed up with Green Goblin to rob five banks, three jewelry stores, and all the Dunkin' Donuts in New York City. I deprived millions of people of their doughnuts, glazed, jelly-filled, or with sprinkles; I'm not sure what's more dangerous than that.

Sincerely,

Kate Pryde


	8. Scott

Dear X-Men fanfiction writers everywhere,

Why do you write these stories that feature Jean and I together? JEAN GREY IS DEAD! JEAN GREY DIED ON THE MOON! OH, GOD, THE AGONY THAT KNOWLEDGE CAUSES ME! _OH, GOD_!

I LOVED JEAN! (Even if I did cheat on her with that clone of her that Mr. Sinister gave to me.) AND NOW SHE'S GONE!

JEAN WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! DESPITE HER BETRAYAL OF ME WITH MY OWN BROTHER, HER ACTIONS OF DESTROYING FORGE AND STORM'S WEDDING BECAUSE SHE WAS JEALOUS THAT STORM WAS RECEIVING ALL OF THE ATTENTION INSTEAD OF HER, AND HER OVERALL BLATANT HYPOCRISY, I LOVED HER!

I LOVED JEAN MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF! I KILLED MOIRA MACTAGGERT JUST BECAUSE JEAN ASKED ME TO!

JEAN WAS SOLACE FROM MY EVERYDAY LIFE! AS DICTATOR OF THE X-MEN, EACH WAKING MOMENT I HAVE TO ENDURE MORE THAN MOST COULD HANDLE!

Seriously, I have to deal with Rogue's incompetence and helplessness, Kitty's bad attitude, Kurt's refusal to have a roommate, the Professor scheming to throw away our lives at a moment's notice for some inane cause, the New Mutants being lazy slobs, Rahne's complaints about the New Mutants being lazy slobs, Hank committing war crime against other nations, Jubilee being illiterate, Sabretooth's British accent, Pietro's constant insistence that he is actually a good person, Tabitha's marijuana addiction, Jean-Paul's psychopathy, Magneto's attempts to convince me that I'm unstable and thus should undergo therapy, Spider-Man's whining that he wants to leave the team before his contract expires, Mr. Sinster trying to get me to do father-son bonding activities together with him, and Madelyne Pryor's revival of the Hellfire Club, which is an awful band that's just a rip-off Metallica. And don't even get me started on Gambit's atrocious Louisiana accent. For whatever weird reason, it sounds as if his dialogue was written by some teenage girl who's never actually heard someone from the New Orleans talk, and so she just has him speak in third person and just throws in random French words. Like I said, weird.

Now do you understand just what I have to put up with each day? It's a miracle that I even get out of bed every morning in the first place. Sometimes I just want to hire a team of assassins to do our dirty work.

BUT LIVING WITHOUT JEAN! I HAVE TO ENDURE SUCH AGONY EACH DAY, AS I FORCE MYSELF TO GO ALONG WITHOUT HER! THE HUMANITY! THE PAIN! THE ENDLESS PAIN THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME, THAT WILL STAY BY MY SIDE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, UNTIL I JOIN JEAN IN THE AFTERLIFE, AND WE BURN IN HELL TOGETHER, WHERE WE BELONG!

I'LL NEVER SEE HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AGAIN IN THIS LIFE! OR RUN MY HANDS THROUGH HER VIBRANT RED HAIR! OR HEAR HER GENTLE LAUGH!

_NEVER AGAIN!_ _**NEVER AGAIN!**_ _**NEVER AGAIN!**_

And so, seeing these stories of Jean and I together causes me immense pain, as I'm sure you can understand. Please, stop writing these stories which feature Jean and I together as a happy romantic couple. THEY BURN MY EYES! THE GUILT! _THE UNYIELDING GUILT! _I WILL NEVER ESCAPE FROM IT!

Besides, I've now moved onto Emma Frost. Our relationship definitely isn't the healthiest; she's a sexual predator and my affections for her stem from a case of Stockholm Syndrome. But hey, at least it's something, right? Maybe I'll be able to forget about Jean soon.

Sincerely,

the X-Men's Exasperated Leader, Comrade Scott Summers


	9. X23

Hey X-Men fanfiction readers!

How's it going? My name is, like, X-23, but that's not my official codename. My name on the _X-Men: Evolution_ show would have been "Laura Logan", not my comic name, "Laura Kinney", and my codename would have been "Fang", not "X-23". What's that? You didn't know? You're an idiot. _Seriously_, you're so _stupid_, O.M.G.! But that's okay, not everyone, like, can be as awesome as I am.

I'm not with the X-Men anymore. You see, Logan and I left because we were morally opposed to taking part in such a violent lifestyle. So now, Logan, Red Skull, Mystique, and I have formed a group called the Non-violent Resolution Association (N.R.A.). We're like a superhuman peace core; we promote non-violent solution to superhuman disputes by singing Proud Mary songs. Rather engaging in a battle with Dr. Doom, Mr. Fantastic can just as easily defeat him in a chess match. Instead of unleashing a clone of a god on his friends when he feels upset with unwillingness to sacrifice their freedom, Iron Man can sit talk and discuss his feelings with them and achieve a compromise. Through our methods, we convince superhumans to use their public status to role model for the rest of society instead of throwing down with villains in the middle of the street. We are the N.R.A.: letting superhumans know that peace is the way to go!

A lot of these stories seem to get my character totally wrong. I'm not grumpy or anti-social: I always try to be friendly and pleasant to other people, because as the Golden Rule says, "One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself." That's the philosophy I try to live by. Being locked away in a research facility as a human experiment for most of my life was a real dray, but now I'm over that. Why be sad about the past when there are so many other things in life to be happy about? Puppies, unicorns, rainbows, walking out in the sunshine . . . those are just a few of my favorite things, and I can't mope around when my life is so good with so much sweetness and light!

I, like, should clarify a few thing about me. I really enjoy fashion: my favorite store is Wet Seal. I just adore the fedoras in that place (the other day I just found this fabulous dark purple one with black leopard spots. I was so excited!). I really like pastels, and I think that they're my best shades. And speakiing of shades, check out these Armani sunglasses! Aren't they great? They're vintage, one of my favorite styles!

As for more of my favorites: bright pink is my favorite color, Disney Channel is my favorite T.V. station, _Beverly Hill 90210_ is my favorite show, the Jonas Brothers are my favorite band, _Grease_ is my favorite musical, I'm a vegan and tofu is my favorite food, _A Walk to Remember_ is my favorite movie (The ending always makes me cry! It's so sweet and so sad!), and my favorite brand of makeup is Sephora.

Hold on . . .let me just check my phone- are they having a sale?

Like, _O.M.G._, they totally are! Gotta run!

Sincerely,

X-23 A.K.A. Fang, A.K.A. Laura Logan


	10. Mystery Guest

**A/N:**

Vampirepeguin19: teenagers in my area, especially the younger girls, refer to something that they think is boring and lame as "a dray" instead of "a drag", because they think that "drag" is uncool and that "dray" is cooler, somehow. I don't know. I just automatically threw that in there because I'm so used to hearing it.

On with the letter!

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Hey there, all you beautiful guys and gals,

My name is Jean-Paul Beaubier, but I prefer to be called "Northstar", which is my artistic name. I know that I was too fabulous to make an appearance in your show, but I see myself popping up in your fanfictions from time to time, so I thought I could bend the rainbow curved.

And by that, I mean, "Set the record straight," but since nothing about me is straight, why shouldn't it be a proud rainbow color?

You see, I changed that expression to remind all of you that I am gay.

Really gay.

Very gay.

_Sooooooo gay_.

But some of you fanfiction writers seem to forget that. Oh, sure, you mention it once at the beginning of the story in my introductionary scene, or depict me in a relationship with another man, but you miss dozens of crucial opportunities throughout the story to remind your readers that I am gay. Everyone knows that a gay character doesn't qualify as gay if he's not fulfilling every gay stereotype in the latest, most fashionable and color-coordinated notebook, so I'll just give you a lisp of tips, okay? (Notice what I did there? I changed "list" to "lisp", because all gay guys lisp. Duh.)

And obviously, being gay is the single most crucial aspect of my personality. Nothing from my comic characterization should count: just pass aside my superiority complex and snarly demeanor in favor of reducing my to a cliché.

I wear chic, pastel clothing with lots of scarves and other accessories. I'm always reading the European fashion magazines to catch the latest styles. My hands are always manicured, and my hair is always gelled into an improbable 'do that's all the rage in Milan. I use skin care treatments four times each day and I wear all-natural makeup, so I have a _fine_ complexion. Also, I talk in a very high-pitched voice and a lisp. You fanfiction writers should write out my lisp the same way in which you write out Gambit and Rogue's southern accents. Oh, and I also refer to people I barely know as "honey" and "sweetheart", and other terms of endearment, for no reason whatsoever, other than being gay.

I mostly hang out with the ladies and share their stereotypically female interests, since, you know, being gay automatically means that I'm interested in all things girly and pink. I don't have any male friends, because being gay means that I'm only interested in guys on a sexual level, and thus I can't actually form any sort of platonic relationship with another male. Also, I'm not picky about my type in guys. I'm gay, which means I like guys, and that means I have no preference in personality or looks whatsoever and will just roll in the hay with any guy who asks, whenever, wherever. Obviously, being gay also means that I just can't control my sexual impulses.

In my free time, I enjoy theater, especially musicals. My favorite musical production is _Equus._ My icons are Madonna, Lady Gaga, Anne Robinson, and Kylie Minogue. I love _Twilight_, and I ignore the insipid characters, abysmal plot line, and the exclusive focus on solely heterosexual romance and the connotations of a Mormon author's views of homosexuality. Who cares? It's about hot, beautiful, shirtless men. I'm gay, so of course I love that stuff.

And I also just adore the club scene- the disco-esque, darkened dance floors that play constant techno-pop music. I go there and abuse dozens of dangerous drugs and engage in sex with dozens of strangers, because I'm gay, and all gay guys automatically enjoy clubbing, promiscuity, and using drugs.

As a gay man, I obviously enjoy aesthetics, so I love shopping for clothes, redecorating rooms, interior design, planning all sort of weddings and parties, and of course, giving makeovers. It's like my anti-drug! (Except that I use drugs, because, didn't you know? I'm gay, and gay people use drugs.)

And, as a gay guy, I don't have morals. You see, I'm gay. And gay people aren't like normal people, therefore, we lack any moral compass whatsoever. Our greatest concern is snagging that latest Gucci sweater or getting laid by that hot bear at the bar. Because we're gay, and those are the things gays worry about.

Also, I don't just walk around all over the place. I _strut_, like a proud, beautiful peacock that is very colorful.

My parents? Well, their presence could potentially take away emphasis on my very gay lifestyle, so we'll just pretend they don't exist. In fact, family doesn't have to play a big role in any fic involving me, except one of those nail-biting, soap-opera-like stories in which my sister and I crush on the same studly guy at the same time, in which my gayness is milked for drama. That's fine, then, but otherwise, who really cares about Jeanne-Marie?

So, in short: make sure to mention on multiple instances how positively gay I am in my every appearance within the fic. If you can't do that, then just have me mention that I am gay numerous times.

Better yet, I don't even have to show up in your stories. Just have other characters talk about me and state that I am gay. Because after all, everyone knows that a gay character has no personality beyond being gay, right?

Sincerely,

Jean-Paul Beaubier, artistically, Northstar.

P.S. Did I mention that I'm gay?


	11. Rogue

*******Hey thar y'all,

Mah nahme is Rogue. Nuthin' else, jus' Rogue. Ah was neavhar eavhar given an act-shul nahme in tha show, thar-four any auh-thah birth nahme given ta may in fanfiction is nawt valid. Nawt evhen mah nahme from tha comics, which is "Anna Marie". If it wozn't explicitly stated in tha show, it's nawt canonical. Nuthin' can bay assumed, and all creativity must bay sterilized. It's lahke trying to plow uh field wit' uh couple uh panda bears instead a' horses.

Oh, didn't ya know? Ah'm frahm tha South, so all a' mah analogies must directly correlate tuh fahrming. Bay-coz ev'rybody in tha South fahrms. Lit-erally, thah are absolutely no cities in tha South. That's why ev'ry single Southerner is uh redneck, bay-coz thah are only fahrms spread wide ov-auh tha terrain, isolated frohm any outside source a' human contact. So, uh Southerner equals uh fahrmer. Fa nahow, let's jus' ignore that tha lahrges' agricultural ree-gion is in tha Midwest. After all, ev'rybody from tha South is jus' uh racist hillbilly, raihght?

That re-minds may. Ah cannot ex-press tha impur-tonce a' mah Southern accent. As an _X-Men: Evolution _fanfiction writ-auh, it is ya-ore responsibility tuh incorporate mah accent in-tuh ev'ry piece a' mah dialogue. Auh-thar-wise, ya remohve tha central ahh-spect a' mah character. Ev'rything about may mus' revolve ahh-round mah place a' origin. Which, ya should know bie na-how, is tha South.

Fo-thar-more, sev'ral a' you seem ta bay confused about mah relationship ta Kurt. He is nawt mah stepbro-thah or blood bro-thah; he is mah adoptive bro-thah. Jus' wahn-ted tuh cuh-lari-if-fie. And we're nawt that close eavhen if we both do worship Satan, bay-coz Ah don't have tha pay-shence fo' his sense a' hew-mor. Ah'm told that he ree-sent-lee did get uh roommay-ate, though: tha flamboyantly gay Jean-Paul Beaubier.

And as fo' mah adoptive maw-thah, Mystique? Well, she maih be uh murderous terrorist who continues tuh dee-save may and tries tuh kill my friends, but Ah still ree-spec' her az uh person. After all, ev'rybody haz thar quirks.

Ah also wahn-ted tuh let y'all know that Ah'm nawt uh goth, and Ah don't dress lahke one either. Ah actually fay-vor tha hippie style most a' all. Go-go boots, micro-miniskirts, gold chain belts, fringed vests, Pocohantas headbands, bell-bottom jeans, daishikis, peasant blouses, longs full skirts in tie-dye- that's mah look a' choice. Ah'm afraid all ya fanfiction writ-auhs merely miz-con-strew-ed mah dee-sign on tha T.V. show and sim-play miz-took may fo' uh goth.

Most a' ya have puh-aired may with Gambit, which is uh good choice. I luave uh mahn who tries tuh chayt on may wit' mah ahwn maw-thah, continues tuh chayt on may, and views may solely as uh conquest rathah than uh lah-git-tim-ate person. It's so romahntic!

Also, Gambit is mah knight in shinin' armor. Yay seay, Ah hate tuh faight, and Ah can't faight v'ry wa-hell. Ah always nade someone else tuh bay thar faighting fo' may, preferably uh handsome, shirtless man with ripplin' muscles, bay-coz Ah'm too pathetic tuh actually defend mahself. Ah'm always bay-ing tay-ken captive, and Ah constantly nade tuh bay rescued from dayn-ger and subsequently mahn-hahndled bei mah bihg, strohng boyfriend. Mah dreahm is tuh bay-come tha pur-fect housewife and tuh always nade tuh day-pend on uh mahn fo' income and protection.

Bei tha wei, thar was neahvar any feud involvin' Ms. Marvel faighting aghainst Mystique and Ah. Tha only rheason Ah ghained her powhers is bay-coz we got intuh uh faight when Ah tried tuh chut in front a' her in tha cough-fay line at Starbucks. And eavhen though Ah nahow have all a' her powhers, inclhuding supher-streangth, naigh invulnerability, and flhight, Ah'd still rathah whait around fo' uh guy tuh rescue may, bay-coz Ah can't eavher do uh thang tuh help mahself and instead have tuh ra-main uh burr-den on auh-thah people. It's lahke Ah'm Bella Swann and Gambit is mah Edward. We're so in lahve!

Sin-seer-lee,

Rogue

* * *

******* Translation is here:

Hey there you all,

My name is Rogue. Nothing else, just Rogue. I was never ever given an actual name in the show, therefore any other birth name given to me in fanfiction is not valid. Not even my name from the comics, which is "Anna Marie". If it wasn't explicitly stated in the show, it's not canonical. Nothing can be assumed, and all creativity must be sterilized. It's like trying to plow a field with a couple of panda bears instead of horses.

Oh, didn't you know? I'm from the South, so all of my analogies must directly correlate to farming. Because everybody in the South farms. Literally, there are absolutely no cities in the South. That's why every single Southerner is a redneck, because there are only farms spread wide over the terrain, isolated from any source of outside human contact. So, a Southerner equals a farmer. For now, let's just ignore that the largest agricultural region is in the Midwest. After all, everybody from the South is just a racist hillbilly, right?

That reminds me. I cannot express the importance of my Southern accent. As an _X-Men: Evolution _fanfiction writer, it is your responsibility to incorporate my accent into every piece of my dialogue. Otherwise, you remove the central aspect of my character. Everything about me must revolve around my place of origin. Which, you should know by now, is the South.

Furthermore, several of you seem to be confused about my relationship to Kurt. He is not my stepbrother or blood brother; he is my adoptive brother. Just wanted to clarify. And we're not that close even if we both do worship Satan, because I don't have the patience for his sense of humor. I'm told that he recently did get a roommate, though: the flamboyantly gay Jean-Paul Beaubier.

And as for my adoptive mother, Mystique? Well, she may be a murderous terrorist who continues to deceive me and tries to kill my friends, but I still respect her as a person. After all, everybody has their quirks.

I also wanted to let you all know that I'm not a goth, and I don't dress like on either. I actually favor the hippie style most of all. Go-go boots, micro-miniskirts, gold chain belts, fringed vests, Pocohantas headbands, bell-bottom jeans, daishikis, peasant blouses, longs full skirts in tie-dye- that's my look of choice. I'm afraid of all you fanfiction writers merely misconstrued my design on the T.V. show and simply mistook me for a goth.

Most of you have paired me with Gambit, which is a good choice. I love a man who tries to cheat on me with my on mother, continues to cheat on me, and views me solely as a conquest rather than a legitimate person. It's so romantic!

Also, Gambit is my knight is shining armor. You see, I hate to fight, and I can't fight very well. I always need someone else to be there fighting for me, preferably a handsome, shirtless man with rippling muscles, because I'm too pathetic to actually defend myself. I'm always being taken captive, and I constantly need to be rescued from danger and subsequently manhandled by my big, strong boyfriend. My dream is to become the perfect housewife and to always need to depend on a man for income and protection.

By the way, there was never any feud involving Ms. Marvel fighting against Mystique and I. The only reason I gained her powers is because we got into a fight when I tried to cut in front of her in the coffee line at Starbucks. And even though I now have all of her powers, including super-strength, nigh invulnerability, and flight, I'd still rather wait around for a guy to rescue me, because I can't ever do a thing to help myself and instead have to remain a burden on other people. It's like I'm Bella Swann and Gambit is my Edward. We're so in love!

Sincerely,

Rogue

* * *

**A/N:** And that ends my series of parody letters. I may write another some day if I see more of those irritating and presumptuous letter-style fics again, but for now, I've written a letter for each character that I feel is utterly maligned in fanfiction, so I'm satisfied.

God, writing in that Southern accent was difficult. In case you can't tell, I hate it when people write out Rogue, Kurt, or Remy's accents, because it's so hard to read. Seriously, it's really annoying, and it only messes up the flow of the story. I'm not quite sure why people do that in the first place.

Yes, this was a parody. I really don't understand why some people didn't get that. My God, it's labelled, "Parody". What more do you want?

To make a long story short, I did this to emphasize how ridiculous these other letterfics are. If you'd like to discuss the pros and cons of letterfics, there is forum called "The AntiLetterFiction Nation" in the X-Men:Evolution forums. Honestly, I find letterfics to be irksome because they basically consist of deriding other writers for their creativity.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Peace!


End file.
